6 Positive Ways To Handle A Defiant Toddler
Here are 6 positive ways to handle a defiant toddler and keep calm in the process.
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-CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
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Defiance is the first essential skill listed in every toddler’s job description. Here are six simple tips to help you respond calmly and positively to this important stage in your child’s development.
- Don’t lose your cool
- Frame requests in a positive light
- Practice positive reinforcement
- Turn “no” into another option
- Respond with empathy and set clear limits
- Reinforce your good parenting
Toddlerhood is the period in your children’s development when they begin to understand that they can exert some control over their world.
In her article “Toddler Misbehavior and Defiance Improves with Positive Discipline,” Maureen Healy, author, and expert on highly sensitive children says:
The act of defiance is displaying an inordinately high level of emotional intelligence — your children are actually listening to their inner wisdom.
Maureen Healy
In other words, fear not when your spirited toddler throws a fit and says no when you ask him to take his trucks out of the toilet! He’s exploring and trying to exert his independence.
First, keep in mind that some toddlers are, by nature, more likely to be oppositional than others.
The key is to find ways to show your child how he can be in control and make his own choices in positive ways—and without driving you to your breaking point.
IMPORTANT! If you suspect your child may have an oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), seek guidance from your child’s doctor or a mental health professional.
My six strategies will divert challenging behavior and help you keep calm.
1. Don’t Lose Your Cool
The most crucial first step to dealing with defiant children is not to lose your cool. Defiant toddlers lack resources for knowing what to do next—they’re looking to you for guidance. This teachable moment can show your children how to respond when they are experiencing a full-blown emotional crisis.
Although it might be your first reaction when your child’s having an explosive outburst, don’t let yourself get riled up and yell back. Kids feed off the emotional atmosphere around them, so if your angry child sees you reacting in anger, you’ll keep that heated momentum going.
–CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
The best thing you can do is to remain calm. Don’t snap when your little one is testing the waters (or trying to drown you in them!)
When one of my kids would rattle my cage, I immediately reached for a soothing mantra to help me stay in control. Say something to yourself every time you feel your emotions rising. It can be “Stop,” “Breathe,” or “Slow down.” My favorite is “This too shall pass.”
Whatever words will help you, take that moment and go through a list of priorities. I even have a mental picture handy—my happy place—so I can calm myself down. I think of a beautiful beach—complete with a comfy chair, a refreshing drink, and my favorite book—just waiting for me to come to relax.
Visualizing a happy outcome helps calm me down quickly. Best of all, when you keep your cool, you defuse the tense situation with your tot and set an excellent example for managing anger.
2. Frame Requests in a Positive Light
Most parents can sense when their child is going into tantrum mode. Before they can even engage, they tense up and become rigid. This tension can cause them to say things that aren’t helpful and may even make the tantrum worse.
When you’re about to ask your child to comply with your request, and you know she’s going to have strong feelings about it, try to frame the request positively. Instead of demanding something, try offering a fun incentive instead.
Demand: There’s no way I’m taking you to the park until you pick up your toys!
Request with an incentive: As soon as you finish cleaning up your toys, we can go have fun at the park!
Your child will be more likely to agree when you keep your requests positive.
3. Practice Positive Reinforcement
Most parents are familiar with time-outs. When children misbehave, you remove them from the environment where the inappropriate behavior occurred. The forced break from the activity, and all things fun, can effectively stop some problem behaviors.
Here’s an example. If your two-year-old decides he doesn’t want to help you clean up his blocks and would rather throw them at you, you calmly tell him, “No, we build with blocks; we don’t throw them.” Then gently, without anger or emotion, move him to another location and redirect him.
Time-outs redirect bad behavior.
It’s important to have a plan for reinforcing good behavior!
Practice communicating that with loving emotions and praise when things are going well. If you observe your child calmly playing with blocks, you might say, “Wow, you made a huge tower! I like how you’re playing quietly and building so many nice things.”
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
As a result, the child gets used to feeling good when he’s well-behaved. He’ll also quickly catch on that it doesn’t feel nice when he’s acting out and doing something wrong. By making the connection between good behavior and good feelings, the child becomes motivated to keep his act together.
4. Turn “No” Into Another Option
A toddler’s day is filled with no’s.
“No, you can’t have cookies before dinner.”
“No, you’ll hurt yourself.”
“No, you’re too loud. Be quiet.”
When your child does something wrong, your first instinct might be to yell “No” or “Stop,” especially if she’s in danger of getting hurt. But unfortunately, because we parents say no so often, eventually, our toddlers tune us out. The word “no” doesn’t hold its power.
While “no” is appropriate at times (“No, you can’t play by the street because you could get hurt by a car!”), young tykes need the opportunity to hear “yes” or at least have the ability to make positive choices.
Try to be conscious of ways to shift a “no” to an enlightened opportunity that allows for “yes.”
No statement: No, you can’t play by the street!
Yes statement: The front yard is too close to cars that go fast. Let’s blow bubbles on the porch instead.
When we get into the habit of redirecting with a positive alternative, we create win-win scenarios for all.
5. Respond with Empathy and Set Clear Limits
When you make a request you know your child isn’t going to like, be sure to validate his feelings. As parents, we often skip this step and go right to setting limits. For many children, it’s these first steps—empathy and validation—that help them respond calmly.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Follow these steps:
Start with empathy: When you skip this step, children often pump up the volume to show you—louder and stronger — just how upset they are. This is often when tantrums and defiant behaviors start.
Keep your language simple and direct: “I know you don’t want to stop playing in this great fort we built today. We’ve been having so much fun! But it’s time to bathe and prepare for our nighttime story.”
Set the limit: If he doesn’t respond, repeat yourself to show that you’ve set a limit and you won’t back away from it. “It’s time for your bath now. You need to get nice and clean after playing outside all afternoon.”
Use language your child understands: Keep it short, sweet, and non-threatening. Don’t bargain.
Enforce the limit: If none of the above strategies work, and your child is still giving you a hard time, you must calmly but firmly enforce the limit you just set. But give your child some sense of control by giving them an option whenever possible.
The option you give should still lead to the outcome you’re looking for—a cooperative child who takes a bath. “You can start getting undressed for your bath, or I can help. You decide.”
If your child resists, then (without anger) gently pick him up and start preparing him for his bath. In a soothing tone, you might say, “I know bath time isn’t your favorite. I understand. Let’s get you clean and ready for your bedtime story.” Or, you can try talking about something totally unrelated to the tantrum to steer the exchange in a positive direction. “Hey, did you know Daddy bought some new bubble bath this week? Let’s go see how big the bubbles get!”
Tip 6: Reinforce Your Good Parenting
When I dealt positively with a toddler all day, I reinforced my good parenting behavior by rewarding myself with something special just for me from my secret hiding place.
I’ve kept a collection of my favorite things in a special box in my closet for years. It contains indulgences like chocolate, herbal tea, luxurious bubble bath, and even wine. I also bought fun things, wrapped them, and put them in my reward drawer so I can be surprised when I open these treats months later.
The Outcome
No matter the challenge, calm, cool, compassionate, and consistent responses will take the edge off most tantrums and redirect the defiant behavior that’s a hallmark of toddlerhood.
Happy days are here again!
How do you navigate the choppy waters of a defiant toddler? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.
