How To Encourage A Child Not Wanting College
If your child is unsure about college, discuss these four considerations for a bright and hopeful future.
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While four of my eight kids are college graduates, two are attending college, and one is a high school senior waiting to go, my oldest daughter took a Gap Year to move to New York City ten years ago to pursue her love of the arts and writing—and thrived.
One of my sons has never been scholastically inclined despite his insatiable desire to learn new things. He’s a Boy Scout and a true explorer. He would if he could spend all day building things and figuring out what makes things tick. At this time, he doesn’t want to further his education in a classroom setting.
Not all kids go to college. Sometimes, it’s the best decision that can be made. In fact, it was the beginning of some wonderful opportunities that otherwise wouldn’t have happened if college was the first choice.
Here are four things to consider when discussing the future with your child:
- Remember, Parents Know Their Kids Best
- Alternate School Options Available
- Success Is More Than a Degree
- College Will Always Be There
The Path Less Traveled
Tip 1: Parents Know Their Kids Best
When your child is either on the fence about going to college or absolutely positive he wants no part of it right now, you can be his best resource and voice of reason because you are closest to him and know him inside and out. He might be receiving extra pressure from school sources and other influencers, but this important decision in his life is one you can help him feel confident in.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Parents know their kids better than anyone else. They know their quirks, habits (good and bad), strengths, and struggles. Although teachers, counselors, peers, coaches, and other adult influences give our kids lots of instruction and guidance about how they should handle their future after graduating high school, these people haven’t lived with our kids for the past 18 years.
Sure, these people are influential and get a glimpse of what makes our child tick, but they aren’t living our daily lives, from hassling them to get up out of bed to catch the bus, hounding them to do their homework, or listening to their daily commentary about how much they loathe geometry and what purpose is it going to serve them if they want to be an entrepreneur.
For example, while my son is respectful, completes his work on time, and attends school every day without too much fuss, his heart is not into it. He doesn’t thrive in a classroom environment. He’s also still a bit on the immature side of his peers and much more of a homebody than my other kids—not a good combination for campus living.
One of his personal struggles is time management. He has never been very good at gauging how much time he needs to meet school deadlines, and he needs constant reminders from me to complete his tasks around the house. This has been a challenge for all four years of high school, so I’m positive handling the college scene would be a calamity for him. Not wanting college is the right move for him, not a deficit.
Sending a child who can’t stay on top of deadlines off to college is a recipe for disaster.
In Ready For College? Why Some Students Are More Prepared Than Others, Julia Routbort, Ph.D. Associate Dean of Students at Skidmore College says that some high school students have time management difficulties, but concern should be raised about those students who don’t learn from their high school mistakes and alter their behavior.
The fact that we as parents know our child’s emotional and maturity make-up is a plus.
It’s better to give your student some extra time to grow up close to home so you can be a positive influence in helping him gain the right emotional and skill-wise tools to make the next move towards a successful future.
Tip 2: Alternative School Options Available
College-bound kids plan to attend the University of their choice and pursue a degree they’re passionate about. Actually—let’s be a bit more realistic—many college freshmen don’t really know what they want to study and often change their majors several times, but they usually know where they want to attend college.
Once there, they follow a timeline of graduating high school in June, working their part-time summer job, shopping for every dorm essential they can think of come late summer, and then part ways with their families near Labor Day for a new adventure—many away from home for the very first time.
Non-college kids don’t have a structured time frame for getting ready for the fall after graduating high school because they may have no concrete plans in place. That’s okay, though, because there are plenty of options for them to explore now that high school is behind them.
Gap Year: One of the more popular plans for students who aren’t sure if college is really in or out is to take a Gap Year. It is a break from formal education—typically taken after high school or before starting graduate school—which the student uses to travel or work. If your child thinks college might be right for her sometime in the future, a Gap Year might be a wonderful choice.
My oldest daughter’s Gap Year was beneficial. She moved from a small seaside community to New York City so she could pursue her love of the arts and writing and try to find her own voice in this big world. We were anxious about this decision because she was such a small-town girl, but we were completely delighted when she found her wings and thrived there.
Internships: Many career-related internships are available for young adults who would like to pursue a trade or hone a skill in a work environment rather than in the classroom. Several ideas are environmental work, the food industry, health care, event planning, working with senior citizens or preschool children, interior decorating, becoming a nanny, travel, and many more. FamilyEducation.com’s article “My Son Doesn’t Want to go to College, What Can I Do?” gives several more ideas, including part-time study, certificate, and short-term programs.
My son excels at building things and pursued an internship with a construction company, and it was a great fit for him. He now makes a very successful living with a construction firm and absolutely loves it!
Trade Schools: If a traditional college experience isn’t for your child, he might be interested in choosing a field such as plumbing, electricity, auto mechanic, etc. There are many programs available at community colleges and trade schools that provide lots of “hands-on” training in addition to learning from a book.
As a side note, I’m the oldest of five siblings. Four of us chose traditional college experiences, and one of my brothers chose to enlist in the service and then went to a trade school to become a plumber. He’s very successful and makes a wonderful living with this career choice. (And I never have to worry about a leaky faucet!)
Retail or Other Full-Time Jobs: Kids who truly don’t have any idea what their interest in a long-term career might be can consider a retail job or perhaps working in the restaurant business. Here, they will get a sense of what working 40-plus hours a week feels like. If cashing out customers all day long soon becomes boring, they might begin assessing what they do enjoy doing.
Enlisting in the Military: Many students explore the armed services, where they can serve their country, learn a trade, or earn money to go to college.
Many kids have breakthroughs during the first couple of years after they graduate from high school. They mature. They learn more about financial responsibilities and being in control of their own bills. They meet interesting people they might not have otherwise known.
Be open to all these new firsts with your young adult—this is a great opportunity for him to blossom.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Tip 3: Success Is More Than a Degree
Unfortunately, one of the biggest reasons parents get so upset when their child decides not to head to college is they feel it’s a personal reflection of failure on their part. I get this because I had a twinge of that when my oldest child, a bookworm and straight-A student, decided not to pursue college right after high school.
Her teachers and circle of academically successful friends were stunned. It was our parents’ fault that she wasn’t on the college path, especially because she certainly had the academic skillset to attend a handful of great colleges.
Mack R. Hicks, Ph.D., a contributor to Psychology Today, weighs in on this very sentiment in “All Kids Should Go to College: A Great American Myth.”
“So why this love affair with college? Many Americans think college equals success and naturally want the best for their children.
“Most parents, especially middle-class parents, have one question when visiting friends they haven’t seen for a while. ‘How’s Janie? where’s she going to college?’ Of course, it is assumed that she is going to college. If she isn’t, the friends might see Janie’s parents as failures, and the parents themselves would feel embarrassed.”
I’m ashamed to say that’s part of what got to me when my oldest decided on a Gap Year, but I am so proud of her for knowing that college at that time was not right for her. Kudos to her and the students in the same shoes as she was back then for listening to their inner voices and not making the mistake of enrolling in college because it would please other people.
Success comes in all shapes and sizes and should never be measured by a piece of paper that says “degree” on it. Most of us are familiar with the incredible success stories of well-known icons like Apple CEO Steve Jobs, food guru Rachel Ray, and CNN’s Ted Turner, to name a few, who don’t have degrees.
By helping to guide your child down the path of figuring out what excites her and how she can develop those interests into a career, which may eventually lead to college at another time, you’re creating a successful platform for her entire future.
Tip 4: College Will Always Be There
One of the biggest reasons not to feel disappointed that your child is not choosing college right now is that there is no deadline or finality in deciding when he might want to attend. As he grows and matures and experiences “real life,” he might decide that it’s finally the right time to go to college—even if that’s twenty or so years down the line.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Huffington Post’s article “Why It’s Never Too Late to Go Back to School” sums it up perfectly: “Jumping right back into college with a full workload may seem like a lot to swallow, but it is important to acknowledge that you are returning with a solid foundation. Work and life experiences have broadened your horizons and are available for you to draw upon. The average college student is 30, and adults continue their education well into their 70s and 80s.”
Outcomes Vary, and Change
Whatever your child decides to do after high school graduation, keep the lines of communication open. Be there for him so you can ask what interests him about his new job or some of the challenges. Keep talking, but, more importantly, keep listening!
Also, never say never when it comes to a child deciding that attending college after high school graduation isn’t for him. Instead, embrace and encourage his choice and do all that you can to help him find his way in this amazing world of opportunity that we live in today. You’ll be learning just as much as your child is during this journey—the possibilities are endless!
See Also: 5 Practical Ways to Help Your Child Transition to Adulthood
How did you guide your child who didn’t want to attend college? For all kinds of mom-centered creative ideas, visit me on Instagram at CanCanMomCB or on Pinterest at theCanCanMom. If you have questions or suggestions, email me at cheryl@cancanmom.com or leave a comment in the box below.
