How to Say Goodbye to Your College Freshman Without Falling Apart
Goodbyes are tough. As parents prepare their students to leave the nest, here’s how to say goodbye to your college freshman without falling apart.
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-CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
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As August quickly comes to a close, there are thousands of goodbyes happening all across the country as college begins for a new group of freshmen. True, we are saying goodbye to our “baby,” but in reality, this isn’t goodbye—it’s a turning point.
Here are ten tips to ease into this next stage:
- Go Out on a Date
- Pack Memories from Home
- In Sickness and in Health Care Package
- A Written Goodbye
- Plan Ahead
- Be Low Key with Roommates
- Ask What Your Child Wants
- Coin a Mantra or Phrase
- One Final Glance
- Think like Winnie the Pooh
Your Child Moving Away is a Moving Experience
Tip 1: Go Out on a Date
Move-in day at college is a total whirlwind. Despite your best attempts at planning and calculating how you will arrive on campus, unload the car, haul dozens of boxes and storage bins up flights of stairs, and help your student hurriedly unpack his/her life in a couple of very short hours—unforeseen things usually pop up and plans change.
There will be chaos, new people coming and going. In a blink, it will be time to have that final embrace until you reunite at Parent’s Weekend or perhaps even Thanksgiving or the holidays. In short, there won’t be any time for a long, heartfelt talk with your child about anything significant before you part ways.
Make a date to go out to a favorite restaurant or cook a favorite meal together. After the meal, open the door for a conversation about anything that might be on his mind.
Well before this date, make a list of things you want to discuss: financial matters (like spending money and what the expectations are for a credit card), what your expectations are for staying in touch, and those safety issues like binge drinking, sex on campus and figuring out a buddy-system of sorts with new friends that your child can connect with and feel safe with while they are getting to know their new college environment.
Your child can bring up any concerns they have as well.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Many students go away for their freshman year only to be overwhelmed by the amount of “free time” and the sudden lack of parental supervision. In our home, we made a point of letting our children know that though there would be less supervision, we would always be there for them with our love and support across the miles. However, we also let them know what behaviors were and were not acceptable.
Having these discussions in advance of the move-in day will allow you both to focus on these important issues privately without feeling pressured and harried those final moments before you share your goodbyes.
Tip 2: Pack Memories from Home
Whether you have a sentimental child or not, sending some favorite mementos from home can really help ease your child into his/her new “home away from home.” Send along a scrapbook or framed photos of the family and pets. Maybe a much-loved throw that your student usually cozies up with on the couch at home or a favorite air freshener or fragrance that will remind him/her of what home smells like when they walk through the door after a long day of classes.
Also, get a few ideas and cards from younger siblings so they can be involved in staying connected with their older brother or sister as well.
Tip 3: In Sickness and in Health Care Package
One of the most difficult college-parenting moments for me is when one of my kids gets sick for the first time away at school—and I can’t be there to take care of them physically.
I always set up a “mom box” for each of them that includes all the essentials they might need when they come down with a cold or other illness.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Some of these items include aspirin and pain relievers, sinus aids, cough drops, tissues, throat lozenges, Airborne, Thera-flu, and tea, items for upset stomachs and diarrhea (they’ll thank you for this one!) band-aids, tweezers, Neosporin, gauze, feminine products for your daughters, and anything else you can think of that would comfort them when they get sick.
It’s also a good idea to figure out the phone numbers and locations of the nearest pharmacy, health clinic on campus, and hospital just so you’ll both have peace of mind should any of these places be necessary throughout the year.
Tip 4: A Written Goodbye
As a writer, I must admit I do share my feelings with my kids quite often by way of written words. This includes leaving them notes on the kitchen island, in their school lunches, and, yes, texting them messages.
On move-in day, I love sneaking in a letter or two in between towels or in their laptop case so they will have a letter from home unexpectedly waiting for them during those first few hours after mom and dad have driven off campus and they are alone with their new roommates for the first time. I found out my notes really meant a lot to my kids.
My “See You Later” cards sometimes include a couple of family photos, a gift card, and any special written message I want to share that will let them know how proud I am that they are off to college and all that corny, mushy stuff.
Sometimes it is easier to share your sentiments in words rather than verbally, so don’t be afraid to head to the store and grab some cards to have on hand for the send-off and for the year ahead.
Tip 5: Plan Ahead
Care packages are especially great for freshman year. Getting physical mail is nice for students of all ages, especially when they contain food, money, or gift cards.
Plan ahead by buying on campus and local store gift cards after you say goodbye to your child. Then you can surprise him/her with them in care packages you send during those first couple of months.
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Also, check in with text messages, phone calls, and an actual visit if you and your child agree that that would be a nice idea.
One of my sons texted and called home dozens of times during the first few weeks because he was homesick. The care packages really helped him, but once he got to know the kids on campus and his teammates, those texts and calls slowly started to dissipate. This was of great comfort to me because I knew he was settling into his new life at college.
See Also: 50 Easy Ways to Improve Your Family Life
Tip 6: Be Low Key with Your College Freshman’s Roommates
With all social media avenues available, many colleges connect kids with their roommates months before move-in day.
My freshman son knew who his roomies were before he arrived on campus, so he had somewhat of an idea of what to expect.
This part of the college experience is one that students and parents have no control over. When you arrive and get a gander at who your child is going to share a room with for the next eight months, be very low-key and keep your opinions to yourself.
Your kid doesn’t want you explaining your family history. If you don’t like the roommate, (yes, it happens!), keep a poker face. Let your kid be the one to voice his concerns—not you. This is not like a play date where you arrange everything, but a relationship your child needs to work through on his own.
CanCan Mom
I introduced myself to his two roommates and wished them a great school year. I humbly asked if I could take a photo of the three of them—which they were most happy to do—but then I excused myself and left the room so they could figure out who got which bed.
Helpful Tip: Bring a simple tool kit for the room to share, a hammer, screwdriver, tape, easily removable ways to hang posters, and the like. It will be borrowed a lot.
Coping Tool: Sometimes, after a long day, everyone in my family is cranky and on edge. When this happens, I break the tension by doing something unexpected, like throwing a rolled-up pair of socks at one of my kids and saying, “Think fast.” It works to break the pattern of being tired or cranky and makes them change gears.
As long as your child is laughing, the game is working to alleviate anxiety or other bad feelings.
My college kids even play games like these with their roommates when they’re overwhelmed with exams and other stressors brought on by college life.
Tip 7: Ask What Your Child Wants
Goodbyes are tough on everyone, and when sending a child off to college, we parents can get wrapped up in our own emotions and how we are going to handle the moment.
Ask your child in advance what his/her expectations are for that moment when you part ways. If your child is a hugger, touchy-feely kind of kid, he may enjoy a “hands-on” goodbye. If she’s more of an introverted type like one of my daughters, something quick and easy might be her preference. It doesn’t hurt to ask so you can make it as easy as possible for all of you.
Think about your parting message. Stay as composed as possible. Your child needs to know you’ll be okay without them.
The final words between you and your college freshman are key. Say whatever wisdom you have to offer, whether it is ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m behind you,’ ‘I’m proud of you.” Your child really will remember those words.
My best advice in sending my kids off to college is don’t drag out the goodbye. Your child doesn’t want you hugging and crying and having a long goodbye in front of their new roommate and the rest of the world.
Tip 8: Coin a Mantra or Phrase
When my kids were little and would leave for school, I always sent them on their way with a hug, a warm smile, and a parting phrase: “See you soon, you silly balloon” or “Later gater,” to which they’d respond “in a while crocodile.” It was some inane little quip, but it always connected us and reminded them (and me!) that we’d be together again in a few short hours at the end of their school day.
– CanCan Mom, Cheryl L. Butler
Obviously, your college-bound child will not be home in a few hours, but you can still part ways with a mantra that can hold the same meaning, which basically lets your teen know everything is going to be A-Okay until you see each other again.
Tip 9: One Final Glance
One of my favorite pieces of advice for this moment of truth comes from Dr. Michele Borba, educational psychologist, and parenting expert: “Recognize who he has become—he’s in a whole new world now, and you’ve helped him become the person he is today. This is what parenting is all about. Drive off. Cry a bit. But also remember to celebrate the moment. You deserve it!”
Tip 10: Think like Winnie the Pooh
One of my favorite quotes ever is by Winnie The Pooh: “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
Winnie the Pooh
I have it framed in my house as a reminder of what a blessing my kids are. As they successfully leave the nest, I’ve done my job with a very full heart.
How have you prepared to say goodbye to your freshman or college student? Share your thoughts and ideas in the comment selection below or email me at cheryl@cancanmom.com. You can also visit me on Instagram at CanCanMomCB or on Pinterest at theCanCanMom.
